The Civil War
by GublerRussia
Summary: You ever wonder what Alfred would be like during the civil war? Clearly I have hence me writing this story.


**Alright this is my first Hetalia story so don't kill me! I was just wondering the other day what would happen to Alfred during the civil war ( the war between the south and north of the US for people who know nothing of wars like meself :) ) also beware my spelling errors i'm bound to make a few. So here we go! And I don't own Hetalia some japanese bloke does. **

England was furious. How dare that cheesburger loving fatty! I mean sure he had made fun of America in front of a world meeting by saying he'd be fat and lonley for the rest of his life but surley he didn't diserve this in return? He would make that stupid git pay for this! England rushed down the hall of the whitehouse, towards the kitchen were he would reap his revenge. He pulled the hood of his cape lower over his face to hide the wretched thing America had done to it. Some people eyed him suspicously as he sped down the hall clinging to the shadows. I mean who wouldn't, he was pretty suspicous looking with the cape and all but he had a vistors badge so all ignored him. He was gaining closer to the kitchen when suddenly he bumped head first into the preisedent himself. Thats right he ran into Lincoln. And this made his hood go flying backwards to reaveal his face. Lincoln recognized him of course he had come to the whitehouse often to yell at America but something was diffrent... and then it hit him like a ton of bricks. He hadn't noticed at first because he was dazed from the blow to his grape but one of Englands eyebrows were shaved off. The other was there just as bushy as ever and he couldn't help but burst into laughter. England snarled and jumped up to his feet bright red. He rushed onward to his destination leaving behind a histarical Lincoln rolling on the carpet holding his gut. England slipped in the kitchen some how unnoticed and took out the parcel hidden in his cloak. He quickly dumped it's contents into the pot of tea that was brewing for America. He knew America refused to drink tea served out of any other pot, the bloody moron. After he had completed his goal he slunk back out of the whitehouse grinning in anticapation.

"Your tea sir," the butler said placing the tray on Americas desk.

"Thank you Chives," the nation said taking a sip of the steaming liquid. "Uh," he made a sour face like he'd suck a lemon. "Why do I even bother drinking this stuff I'm not some stuff shirted brit!" With that he left his tea behind and went on to more important matters.

The next day a world meeting was taking place and everyone was there...except America.

"Where is he? I could really use a nice hot body to rub right now,"France stated.

"Shut up you bloody frog," England cried appalled. What was wrong with him anyway? He just tryed to act his best like he was confused and worried like pretty much everyone else ( though this is hard to do when everyones snickering at your one bloody eyebrow! ) However he kept shooting glances at the door wondering what his special dose of drugged tea had done to the loud nation.

Suddenly the doors flew open and everyone turned to see America standing there, and boy was he a mess! His white button up shirt was missing most of the buttons and was ripped in many places and one whole leg of his pants was gone. He was also barefoot and covered in various cuts and bruises. But most noticable was the glazed insane look in his ocean blue eyes. He looked like a crazed lunitic. The only one who didn't seem worried, disturbed, or scared at this was France. He seemed to be drooling.

"Sorry I'm late guys," America said a bit slurred, "My bottom half is just being a complete jerk! He won't shut up and he keeps attacking me!"

"Like what are you talking about America? You make like no sense, what in the name of all that is like pink do you mean your bottom half is attacking you," Poland asked.

"I think he means his legs, feet, and bottom. I am correct da," Russia asked facing America with a little giggle at the thought of Americas butt insulting him.

"Ya, thats right! My legs keep saying really mean things to me so I have to show them whos boss! So then my feet start stepping on my hands and kicking my face and it's driving me crazy!" Stunned silence followed this and snickers from Russia and England.

"Is flordia included in this," France asked a dirty gleam in his eye.

"Of course he is the tratior," American snarled glaring at the crotch of his pants. "Take that back you stupid foot," he cried suddenly. He grabbed the foot in his hands and bite it with his sharp canine teeth. He howled in pain but just bit all the harder. Most of the nations ran to pull him off his self but England was falling out of his chair laughing and Russia was giggling madly in his seat. France was jerking off in some unseen corner somewhere. Out of no where America grabbed a ruler and began spanking himself in the hind corters with it.

"Take that you evil tucus," he cried. Then he kneed himself in the face and he screamed in pain. Everyone was convinced he was nuts now and were forced to tye him down to stop him from hurting himself. He swore wildly and begged to be realeased he had to defeat his lower half! ( Are at least thats what he kept saying )

Eventually everyone calmed down and tuned out Americas crys. It wasn't untill the end of the meeting that anything really bad happend again. America had stopped talking and had his head hung but he suddenly sat bolt upright and stared madly at his crotch.

"I will make you eat this words you stupid Flordia," he cried. And with that he head butted himself right in the groin. England and Russia howled with laughter while most everyone else winced. A few got up the stop America from slamming his grape into his...well grapes and France sprinted out of the room in search for a partner to realease some tension with. This was crazy! No one knew what was wrong with America and no one knew how to fix it.

After a long time of America abusing himself the nations were just used to it. Someone had to always watch him and he was normally tied down. They learned to block out his venmous words to himself and England bathed in the glory of a job well done. He didn't know that the drug would last this long or even what it would do! The whole thing was histarical to him and Russia found it ammusing as well. Then suddenly one day it just stopped. America was as normal as ever ( not that that he's considered normal or anything ) and was very confused as to why he had been fighting himself. No one but England ever knew the truth about what happened and everyone went on living a happy life.

**Owari**

**So ya, theres me story! I can see that being the civil war can't you? I feel this came out badly... review and tell me what you think. For in the end is what the reader thinks that is most important. I'm off to watch Black Butler toodles!**

**PS When I imagined Lincoln rolling on the floor laughing I almost lost blatter control. Seriously picture that in your mind for a minute it's hard not to giigle :)**


End file.
